7 Steps for People-Pleasers to Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Have you ever felt like a sponge, soaking up everyone else's needs and feelings until you're left in a cold, wet funk at the bottom of the kitchen sink? That's the exhausting reality of people-pleasing, a habit many of us go-getters fall into without realizing. Constantly saying “yes” on autoplay can leave you tapped out, struggling to find the energy and time to chase your own dreams. But there’s a way out, and it starts with learning to set healthy boundaries.

In this article, we're diving into seven easy and actionable steps to help you establish those instrumental boundaries, like, now. These steps will not only protect your energy but also empower you to put your own goals first. So, if you're ready to stop burning out and start thriving, keep reading. You’re about to snatch some game-changing tweaks (not twirks, ha!) that will transform the way you manage your time and energy.

1. Recognize and Acknowledge Your People-Pleasing Tendencies

Before you can change a habit, you need to understand it. Think of it like trying to fix a leaky faucet. You need to find where the water’s dripping from before you can even think about grabbing a wrench to fix it. The same goes for people-pleasing—you need to recognize when and why you do it.

Self-Assessment 

Start by taking a moment to reflect on your daily interactions. Do you often say “yes” when your answer is really “no” (or “helllll no!”)? Do you worry about disappointing others more than you worry about your own stress levels? These are classic people-pleasing indicators. Take some time to reflect and try journaling about your responses to situations where you felt compelled to please someone else at your own expense. This simple act of writing it down can shine a light on patterns you might not have noticed.

8 Common Signs of People-Pleasing

© 2024. Kleidi Jeen. All rights reserved. 

The Psychological Impact

People-pleasing isn’t just a harmless habit. People who are affected by this often feel quite anxious and helpless because of the heavy burden they bear. It’s like carrying an invisible backpack filled with everyone else’s expectations and demands–on top of your own personal demands and judgments. This weight can slow you down and distract you from your own path to fulfillment. When you constantly prioritize others, and judge yourself negatively when you’re not living up to others’ expectations, your own goals and desires get pushed to the back burner, leading to frustration and burnout.

Questions to Consider

• When do you find it hardest to say 'no'?
• What fears or beliefs are driving your people-pleasing behavior?
• How does this habit impact your personal goals and well-being?

By starting with awareness, you lay the foundation for change. Recognizing and acknowledging your people-pleasing tendencies is the crucial first step on the path to healthier boundaries. In the next section, we’ll explore how to set clear personal goals that actually align with your priorities. 

2. Set Clear Personal Goals

Once you've recognized your people-pleasing habits, it's time to get crystal clear on what you want for yourself. Setting personal goals is like plotting your course on a map—it gives you direction and purpose. Without clear goals, it's easy to drift aimlessly, always at the mercy of others' demands and the problems du jour.

Steps to Setting SMART Goals

Where to start? Start by defining what you truly want to achieve at this point in your life. What will bring a sense of lasting fulfillment to your life? Use the SMART criteria to ensure your goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For example, instead of saying, "I want to start a business," aim for "By the end of 3 months, I will determine a problem I can solve that can bring me income, get clear on who I’m helping solve this problem, and how I’m going to present the solution."

The Connection Between Personal Goals and Self-Worth

Your goals should reflect your values and aspirations. This connection bolsters your self-worth, making it easier to prioritize your needs over others'. When your actions align with your personal goals, you send a powerful message to yourself: "My time and energy are valuable." And that message radiates and helps it become easier to implement boundaries.

Questions to Consider

• What are your top three personal goals?
• How do your current habits support or hinder these goals?
• Are your goals aligned with your values and passions?

Setting clear personal goals isn't just about ambition—it's about creating a roadmap that prioritizes your own needs and desires. By knowing what you want, you can better decide what to say “yes” to and, more importantly, what to say “no” to. In the next section, we'll dive into how to say 'no' with confidence, a crucial skill for maintaining those healthy boundaries. 

3. Learn to Say “No” with Confidence

Learning to say “no” is like building a muscle—it takes practice and patience, but the payoff is worth it. For people-pleasers, saying “no” can feel as uncomfortable as wearing shoes two sizes too small. But here’s the secret: each time you say “no”, you’re actually saying “yes” to something more important—your own well-being and goals.

Techniques for Saying No Politely but Firmly

Saying “no” isn’t about shouting it out and being aggressive. We only do that in situations where our safety is actually in danger. For the relationships we want to keep and nourish, think of saying “no” as planting a tree. The roots must be strong for it to stand tall. Start by being clear and direct. Use phrases like, "I can't commit to this right now," or "Thank you for thinking of me, but I have to pass." Be polite but firm, and avoid over-explaining. Over-explaining can sometimes invite negotiation, which weakens your boundary.

Role-Playing Scenarios to Practice Responses

Practice makes perfect. Role-play scenarios with a friend or even in front of a mirror. Imagine a colleague asking you to take on extra work. If that crosses your boundary, maybe you can say something like: "I really appreciate you trusting me with this, but my plate is full right now, and I wouldn’t be able to give it the attention it deserves." Again, avoid over-explaining and if you are pushed for an explanation, simply repeat what you said and kindly excuse yourself from the conversation. 

Questions to Consider

• What situations make you feel the most uncomfortable when saying no?
• How do you usually react when asked to do something you don't want to?
• What can you change in your response to make it more assertive?

Download My List of 20 Scripts You Can Use to Say “No”

Getting Personal

I remember the first time I confidently said no at work. I was always the go-to person for last-minute tasks, and it was draining. One day, after setting my personal goals, a colleague asked me to help with a project over the weekend. My heart raced, but I took a deep breath and said, "I’m sorry, but I have personal commitments this weekend and won’t be able to help." To my surprise, my colleague understood and found another solution. It was liberating, and it boosted my confidence to keep setting boundaries.

Saying no is an essential skill in maintaining healthy boundaries. It's about reclaiming your time and energy and ensuring that you’re not spread too thin. Remember, every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve your goals, you’re saying yes to something that does. Next, we’ll explore how to set specific boundaries with your time and energy to further protect your well-being. Stay tuned!

4. Set Specific Boundaries with Time and Energy

Setting specific boundaries with your time and energy is like creating a well-planned itinerary for a road trip. Without it, you might find yourself lost, exhausted, and running on empty. By defining clear limits, you ensure that you have the resources needed to reach your destination—your personal and professional goals.

Creating a Weekly Schedule

Start by mapping out your week. Allocate time blocks for work, personal projects, self-care, and leisure. This not only helps you stay organized but also makes it easier to say no to requests that don’t fit into your schedule. Think of your time as a valuable commodity—budget it wisely.

Identifying Time-Wasters and Energy-Drainers

Be mindful of activities and people that drain your energy without adding value to your life. These might be endless scrolling on social media, unnecessary meetings, or negative conversations. Once identified, limit or eliminate these time-wasters. For instance, setting specific times to check emails or social media can free up significant mental space.

Questions to Consider

• Where can you carve out time for yourself in your current schedule?
• What activities leave you feeling drained, and how can you minimize them?
• How can you communicate your availability effectively to others?

5. Communicate Your Boundaries Clearly

Communicating your boundaries is like drawing a line in the sand—it defines where you stand and what you’re willing to accept. Clear communication ensures that others understand and respect your limits.

Tips for Communicating Boundaries Without Guilt

When setting boundaries, use “I” statements to express your needs without sounding accusatory. For example, “I need some quiet time in the evenings to recharge” is more effective than “You’re too noisy.” Be direct yet respectful, and practice consistency in your communication.

Dealing with Pushback

Expect some resistance when you start enforcing new boundaries, especially if people are used to you being always available. Stand firm and remind yourself why these boundaries are important. It’s okay to repeat your limits if necessary, and over time, others will adapt.

Questions to Consider

• How can you prepare for difficult conversations about boundaries?
• What language can you use to make your needs clear and non-negotiable?
• How do you handle it when someone crosses your boundaries?

Getting Personal

I had an acquaintance who lived in my apartment building here in Paris. She was pregnant and had asked me if, when she needed to go to the hospital if I could drive her. Sure, I said. Well, one work night she texted me in a panic after midnight to say she was feeling light contractions. So I woke myself up to get ready to take her. Then radio silence. Once I got ready, I texted back and she said, “oh, it was a false alarm.” 

Next day? Me by text: “hi there, but I think it’s best you call a taxi when you’re ready to go to the hospital.” I felt awful for a while. And she treated me funny from then on. But the fact that she changed towards me showed that this wasn’t a supportive and power-sharing relationship. I learned a lot and that my peace comes before someone befriending me as a tool they can use. 

6. Prioritize Self-Care Activities

By now, you know that I mean business when it comes to the importance of self-care. Prioritizing self-care is like refueling your car before a long journey. Without it, you’ll run out of gas long before you reach your destination. Self-care is essential for maintaining your energy and well-being.

Identifying Self-Care Practices

Self-care looks different for everyone. It might be a morning meditation, a weekly yoga class, reading a book, or even taking a nap. Identify activities that make you feel refreshed and rejuvenated. Make a list of these practices and incorporate them into your routine.

Scheduling Regular Self-Care

Treat self-care like an important appointment. Schedule it into your calendar and stick to it. Regular self-care ensures that you’re always operating at your best, ready to tackle both personal and professional challenges.

Questions to Consider

• What activities make you feel truly refreshed and energized?
• How can you incorporate these activities into your daily or weekly routine?
• How do you feel when you neglect self-care, and what can you do to prevent this?

7. Seek Support and Accountability

Seeking support and accountability is like having a co-pilot on your journey or a hype-man in the background of your hip hop song. They help keep you on track and provide encouragement when the road gets tough. Surrounding yourself with supportive people can make the boundary-setting process much easier.

Finding Support Groups or Communities

Look for groups or communities where you can share your experiences and learn from others. This could be a local meetup, an online forum, or even a social media group dedicated to boundary-setting and self-care. Sharing your journey with like-minded individuals can provide invaluable support and insights. My community, The Soft Collective, is a virtual space dedicated to creating a soft life and getting the support you need along the way. To join, simply purchase any of my offerings in the shop to gain access.

Partnering with a Friend or Coach

Find a friend or coach who understands your goals and is willing to hold you accountable. Regular check-ins can help you stay committed to your boundaries and self-care practices. This accountability partner can also offer advice and encouragement when you face challenges.

For example, in my softness coaching program, The Soft Life Curated™, we dedicate an entire portion of our time together working establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries and learning mindful communication techniques that help you in expressing yourself more completely and responding to others in a more skillful way.  

Questions to Consider

• Who in your life can provide support and hold you accountable?
• How can you engage with communities or groups that share your goals?
• What kind of support do you need most to succeed in setting boundaries?

By following these seven steps, you’ll be well on your way to maintaining healthy boundaries and thriving both personally and professionally. Remember, it’s about taking small, consistent actions to protect your time, energy, and well-being. Stay tuned for more tips on how to continue your journey toward a balanced and fulfilling life!

Congratulations! You've just taken the first steps towards reclaiming your time, energy, and well-being. By recognizing your people-pleasing tendencies, setting clear personal goals, learning to say no with confidence, establishing specific boundaries with your time and energy, communicating your boundaries clearly, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support, you're on the path to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Imagine a life where you wake up energized, knowing that your day is planned around your priorities. Picture the satisfaction of working towards your personal goals without feeling guilty about saying no to distractions. Visualize the peace of mind that comes from having supportive people around you who respect your boundaries.

Now, it’s time to make this vision a reality. Start implementing these steps today and notice the difference they make. Remember, every small action you take towards setting healthy boundaries is a step towards a more empowered and thriving you.

Don’t just read about these changes—act on them! You’ll be amazed at how quickly you can start seeing improvements in your life. Begin by downloading my 20 script options for saying “no.” And take the time to drop a comment below to share your biggest win or your biggest challenge with maintaining healthy boundaries.

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